Leadership and the Load You Don’t See

25 July 2025 | By: Maisie Farmer, WiDA ACT President

At the launch of our new mentoring program for the Women in Defence Association ACT, a powerful theme emerged. Not from the formal agenda, but from the stories shared in between.

Quiet confessions, side conversations, and heartfelt reflections during workshops echoed a common sentiment:

“I’m doing more than anyone sees.”

More unpaid mentoring. More emotional labour. More invisible work to hold teams together. And more of the mental and logistical load outside of work: managing households, caring for others, showing up where we’re needed, often without acknowledgement.

These stories weren’t shared in frustration, but in solidarity. And they stayed with me. Because I felt them too. The pressure to not only keep the door open for women to follow, but to fight against those trying to close it. All while being a parent, a friend, a carer, a dedicated employee and a leader.

We talk a lot about women in leadership, capability pipelines and operational performance. But we don’t talk enough about the weight many women carry to not just lead but make positive change to gender equality.

It’s time we did.

The Invisible Load

The invisible load isn’t in our job descriptions, but many of us carry it every day. It’s the mental checklist that never closes. School notes to sign, ageing parents to check on, birthday presents to buy, health appointments to schedule. It’s the emotional labour of calming a team through stressful change, the unseen hours mentoring younger women because no one else will.

In Defence and Defence-adjacent industries, which are often structured, hierarchical and performance-driven, this load can feel even heavier. We’re expected to be strong, professional and strategically clear, all while managing what quietly weighs on us behind the scenes.

We’re told to bring our whole selves to work, but not too much.

The Impact on Leadership

The invisible load doesn’t stay outside the office. It walks in with us. It’s there when we lead teams, make decisions and deliver under pressure. And often, we lead in spite of it. Not because we’re immune to stress, but because we fear what happens if we don’t.

A single moment of emotion, a delayed project and suddenly we worry: Have I damaged my personal brand? Will I be overlooked for promotion?

The cost is real. It shows up in burnout, emotional exhaustion, and the quiet exit of brilliant women from Defence roles. And when we say no, we worry we’ll be seen as uncommitted. Or worse, that no one else will step in and a gap will be left behind.

A mentor recently asked me, “Why do you do it all?” I replied, “If I don’t, no one will.” He asked again, “But what’s in it for you?” I did not have a different answer to give. Then he asked, “When was the last time you said no?” I couldn’t think of one. I’ve said no on behalf of my team, but not for myself.

He gave me a task: work out what I want to do, and what I’m doing that contributes to that, versus what doesn’t. I haven’t finished it yet. Ironically, workload and unwell children have taken my focus.

Still, what I have gathered in the quiet moments is that the invisible load shapes us. It teaches empathy, strengthens resilience and hones our ability to prioritise. For better or worse, we lead with emotional intelligence, not as a soft skill, but as a survival skill.

But we shouldn’t have to wear our capacity to cope as a badge of honour. Leadership isn’t about pretending the load doesn’t exist. It’s about creating space for others to be whole while being excellent.

What Support Could Look Like

What if the invisible load wasn’t invisible?

It would look like real flexibility without guilt. Like normalising conversations about mental load and burnout, especially at senior levels. Like formally recognising the often-unseen contributions women make as mentors, connectors, and emotional anchors. Like investing in psychological safety, not just physical security.

Support doesn’t mean lowering the bar. It means shifting the system so that excellence doesn’t require self-erasure.

We need to stop asking women how they “do it all” and start asking what systems are in place to help them not have to.

I say no on behalf of my team to protect their capacity. Maybe it’s time I asked my manager to do the same for me.

Coming Back to the Heart

As I work through the realisation that I’ve contributed to my own load, what helps is community. Knowing I’m not alone. Being honest about when I’m tired, when I need help. Giving myself permission to lead as I am, not just how I think I’m expected to.

We all carry something. And yet we keep showing up. Not because it’s easy, but because we care. About our work. Our people. Our purpose.

But strength isn’t just about carrying more. It’s also about knowing when it’s time to share the load.

Let’s start seeing each other more clearly and lead with that visibility in mind. Let's ask the question and check in on each other. And let's remember, that you have permission to say no.

That's it's ok if you can't do it all.